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McDonald’s has been the staple of fast food since the dawn of the fast food century. Indeed, with millions of stores located galaxy-wide, McDonald’s is easily the most popular, most profitable fast food joint in existence. But lately, a huge secret spilled by an ex-employee from one of the stores has halted the flow of customers in many locations. The talk can be heard from every street corner, but this report is for the benefit of the couch potatoes who never go outside.
On the day of August 24, 2008, it was revealed that McDonald’s uses people as a primary ingredient to make their chicken. Brandon Kern, the ex-employee who originally spilled the secret, was flagged down and more than happy to tell his story to various news reporters.
“I’ve noticed ever since I started working in January that some of our store’s employees go missing from time to time and are never heard from again. Funny thing is that it was always the worst or the most annoying workers. It didn’t happen all the time, but every time it did, it seems the chicken was instantly more popular the very next day. I only made the logical conclusion that the more unpopular employees were being made into the food.” Kern paused here to clear his throat nervously. “In fact, I don’t think I was very well liked in that store, so I quit not too long back.”
When asked why he spilled the secret, he laughed and replied, “Wouldn’t you like to know if you were made into an ignorant cannibal?” When assured that we would very much rather continue in our ignorant, people-chicken eating bliss, he merely shrugged and said, “Ah well, it’s a good way to get them back from those pranks anyway.”
The next day, Zach Ferris, an employee from Kern’s former store, gave comment. “Of course, we’re fast food, so we don’t exactly have top quality ingredients. But the idea of people being turned into chicken, that’s just ridiculous. I know that Brandon Kern kid started the whole rumor and let me tell you, he is a little [many explicatives deleted], just ask anyone else working here.”
When pointed out that search warrants produced questionable machines hidden in other stores, Ferris claimed “no comment” and said he had really get back to work. Everyone else from the store declined an interview.
While in some parts of the world, McDonald’s stores are being closed left and right, business is booming in other parts. Some have already gone so far as to fully promote the “chicken”. Attempts to interview managers of the new “cannibal McDonald’s” stores are currently underway.
Caitlyn C, (fake news company here)
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